


just thinking out loud (don't know if i could ever go without)

by thebane



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Childhood Best Friends to Lovers, Confessions, F/F, Falling In Love, First Kisses, Friends to Lovers, Making Out, fem!Kuroo Tetsurou - Freeform, fem!kozume kenma, hickeys/love-bites, kenma also has many feelings, kenma has Thoughts, not at all platonic touches, platonic affection kind of, sapphic thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27573871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebane/pseuds/thebane
Summary: Kenma never really thought her and Kuroo’s friendship was common.or, where falling for your best friend always surprises you.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 24
Kudos: 88





	just thinking out loud (don't know if i could ever go without)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gwuba](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwuba/gifts).



> i just feel like there isn't enough soft sapphic content and runa, my babe, had xyr birthday a few days ago SO this came to life!  
> title from watermelon sugar by harry styles !  
> VERY THANKFUL FOR MY FRIENDS FOR BEING FIRST READERS AND HYPING IT UP!! i love you

Kenma never really thought her and Kuroo’s friendship was common.

The two always had a sort of weird connection, based on the fact that she didn’t like most people and Kuroo was hell bent on making her like her. And Kenma figured out that that was… Kind of okay.

Ever since their childhood, Kuroo was surprisingly willing to be quiet and go along with Kenma’s plans even if they usually included playing games until they got too tired to continue or, very rarely, having long conversations about world building, one of the few things Kenma was interested in. She enjoyed these afternoons a lot, but Kuroo was also constantly ready to fight her and make Kenma set for her or pass the volleyball, no matter how whiny Kenma got. When they got into Nekoma, they have been best friends for years already and knew each other better than anyone else. And even if they both made new friends, joining into the found family that the Nekoma volleyball team became, they knew their bond with other people will never be the same as _their_ one.

When Kenma was forced to partake in team outings, Kuroo could always easily recognize when Kenma’s social battery reached its bottom, when the teasing and laughing begun to grind on her ears and she needed to recharge by straying away from crowds. Sometimes Kuroo joined her, sitting next to her and being a calming familiar presence, whispering comments on whatever game Kenma was currently trying to beat, and sometimes she made sure no one would try to bring Kenma back in by grabbing everyone’s attention for herself. It took some time for the team to catch on but they learned and Kenma was so thankful for her best friend.

And Kenma was used to feeling like this. She always had a special kind of affection towards Kuroo that was different from her relationship with her parents or her other friends. She always wanted to see Kuroo’s mischievous smile when her and Yaku started arguing or hear her laugh that she secretly thought was adorable even if Yaku or Kai gave Kuroo hell for it. She wanted to prolong the quiet eye contact shared between them when Kuroo worried about her.

She just didn’t notice when she started to think about Kuroo’s hands, about how they must be calloused but warm to touch, how they could feel caressing her cheek or grabbing her waist roughly or sliding down her… Or when she started thinking about her lips, stretching out into amused smiles at Lev’s antics, bunching out into pouts when something in practice doesn’t go her way, relaxing into soft grins when Kenma hands her a Pocky, how Kuroo always applies the watermelon scented lip gloss. Her lips must be soft, slightly sticky, probably would feel amazing on Kenma’s wrist, caressing her collarbone, continuing steadily further…

After waking up one morning, her body entangled in sweaty sheets and chest heaving, mind plagued by gleaming golden eyes, black hair tickling her thighs and warm palms tangling in her hair, she realized there might be more to her feelings than she thinks.

And that’s frightening. Because Kenma hates change. She likes routines and how things work, she likes playing games because there’s always time to study how to attack her enemies to make them fall since she always gets second chances. She _likes_ figuring out the unknown but only when she knows it’s all a bunch of variables she can examine and learn to understand and go through many, many times until she has her definite answer. Kuroo is nothing like that. Kuroo is a familiar smell of detergent mixed with body spray, too big hoodie she lends Kenma when she sleeps over, studying together in the evenings when the sun is long gone but she’s also surprising touches when Kenma stands in the way, she’s quick hair ruffles in the middle of a match, she’s late night summer visits when the weather feels too humid to sleep or move and Kuroo desperately wants to run away from her home. She’s a summer storm that catches you suddenly, always makes you feel unguarded but is never unwanted.

That’s why Kenma decides to pretend nothing happened. She goes to practice, she sets as she always does. And if she can’t look Kuroo in the eyes, then she just acts like she’s tired because she stayed up late. Even if she can’t quite keep her gaze from fixating on Kuroo’s thighs when she jumps, the muscles flexing, glistening from being lightly covered in sweat, and her arms when she spikes, every move looking practiced and elegant, as if it’s nothing when Kenma _knows_ how strong she is (and _oh_ , could Kuroo lift her up, could she hold her against a wall and-)

And when Kuroo goes over to her after practice, a relaxed grin adorning her features, and rests her hand on Kenma’s shoulders while praising her for playing well, Kenma ignores the way her heart is beating wildly in her chest as if a hummingbird got trapped in there, panicked and lonely trying to fly, to get out, ignores the way her lungs cease to work correctly when she breathes in the well-known, basically familiar scent mixed with sweat that’s weirdly more alluring than bad, ignores how burning Kuroo’s touch is on her skin, burning marks that don’t come off easily, ignores how her stomach swoops when Kuroo gives her a private smile.

Kenma can deal with this by herself. She can push everything down, cover it with layers and layers of fears and insecurities and hope it won’t pile up and spill when she’s not ready.

-

Kenma is so tired. The training camp would be tiring by itself because of, of course, volleyball, but the combination of volleyball _and_ socializing, since for some reason, all volleyball players are excited to talk to new people and make friends, made her exhausted on her feet and just wanting to go and sleep the second dinner was over. The addition of Hinata, who she does consider her friend but _god damn it_ if she doesn’t have the condition of a 5 year old child that had way too much sugar, doesn’t help how her legs feel too heavy to move and her arms hurt from holding them upwards and setting. 

All she wants to do is take a hot shower, curl up and go to sleep but the second and first years are upstairs playing some word game she would have maybe joined if she wasn’t feeling totally drained and so her feet take her downstairs. There she notices the rest of Nekoma and goes to join them, collapsing on the closest sofa, next to Kuroo who is talking and joking around with the other third years. Kenma feels her entire body relax into the soft couch, breathes out a long sigh as she lets her head fall backwards on the back of it.

“ You okay there Kenma? ” Kai says with a small chuckle, her quiet raspy voice the only proof of how tired she also feels as she looks at Kenma’s slumped over body.

Her answer is just a hum that makes Kuroo snort and once she’s sure Kenma is actually okay, just sleepy, Kuroo continues the conversation they were having before Kenma interrupted.

With her eyes closed, mind lulled into blank nothing as the voices around turn into void enveloping her, she doesn’t even notice how much time has actually passed until she feels something on her thigh and gets brought back to reality. She slowly blinks her eyes open and looks down to see Kuroo with her legs kicked up resting her head on Kenma’s thigh gently, not breaking the conversation with Kai and Yaku who are suddenly sitting on the same couch. Yaku’s head is leaning on Kai’s shoulder as they share gossip they probably learned about today, their voices hushed and excited to discuss everything. It seems like they’re not ending soon, so Kenma brings her hand up to run it through Kuroo’s hair gently, untangling the knots that appeared during the day of having her hair up. Kuroo doesn’t stop or stutter but Kenma can feel her nudge her head into the hand, showing her appreciation for the careful touch. Kenma feels something in her chest warm up and she closes her eyes again, still letting her hand caress Kuroo’s hair and scratch her scalp gently. The repetitive motion makes her even more sleepy but she doesn’t stop, feeling Kuroo melt into her with every stroke and her heart feels full and content.

She could get used to falling asleep like this.

(And if Kuroo wakes her up later to make her go upstairs and sleep more comfortably, she doesn’t even whine as much as she normally would, how could she when Kuroo is giving her a warm smile tinted with some emotion she doesn’t recognize that makes her think _hopefully I’ll understand it soon_.)

-

Kenma doesn’t actually realise what is she doing until her hand is halfway between them.

Kuroo is sitting next to her, the two of them barely fitting on Kenma’s bed with the books and notes strewn around, both working on their assignments in a comfortable silence. Kuroo is wearing a crewneck Kenma is pretty sure is hers because it has a picture of Enderman on it and is sitting with a book in her lap, seemingly in thought about what it says. Kenma should be working on her biology assignment but it seems that her gaze would rather track how Kuroo keeps playing with a pencil in one hand and putting her hair behind her ear every time it falls back with the other. Ever since she cut it in the summer before her first year on Nekoma, she kept it a shoulder length, exactly at the length where she hates putting it up but struggles with it distracting her. And Kenma keeps watching how her lips form the syllables of whatever is she reading, her eyes flitting around the page, eyebrows furrowing when she can’t get it right. And the part of hair falls out again.

Kenma sees Kuroo look at it, distaste in her eyes, and she probably decides she has had enough so she lets it hang in her eyesight as she refocuses on the text book.

Kenma has no idea of what she’s doing until she notices her hand is halfway between them and then she watches herself, almost an out of body experience, as she tugs the piece of hair behind Kuroo’s ear, letting her hand curl around Kuroo’s ear gently.

Kuroo looks at her, her eyes wide in surprise, because Kenma isn’t moving away. _Why isn’t she moving away?_ If she moves her hand this exact second, they can laugh it off. Kenma can say she just got distracted, pretend she spaced out for a second, lie about how she doesn’t want to bury her hand into Kuroo’s hair and tug her closer and…

_And why isn’t she doing that._

“ Kenma? “ Kuroo pipes out, her voice taking on a raspy tone because they’ve been pouring over their books for the better part of this afternoon, her gaze open and confused, focused solely on her best friend.

Kenma blinks. She realizes her mouth has opened slightly and she closes it, suddenly remembering herself and snatching her hand back. She feels her face heating up and when she steals a look at Kuroo, she seems similarly flustered, her cheeks pink and eyes turned back to her lap but not reading.

The silence between them is suddenly awkward and Kenma think _this has never happened, we were never awkward, I don’t want this._

Kenma clears her throat and Kuroo’s eyes jump back to her, watching her all quiet as Kenma steels herself and straightens up.

“ Kuroo. “ she says in a confident voice, thinking that maybe if she fakes it hard enough, Kuroo won’t notice how her hands shake where they clench into fists on her own thighs.

“ Yes? “ she says and it’s clear to see she doesn’t know what to say or how to act, fiddling with her earring which she only does before hard tests where she’s not sure she understands the materials.

Kenma looks at her and out of nowhere, she doesn’t see an unpredictable storm that’s brewing behind the mountains, ready to wreck her if she’s not careful, prepared to destroy her carefully built routines and boundaries. She sees Kuroo Tetsurou, her best friend, the one that always brought her homework when she fell sick, even if she had to go ask Kenma’s classmates for it, who Kenma saw scream at every horror movie they ever tried watching, who helped her bleach her hair when she asked, who always teased her about her clothes and then proceeded to borrow them, claiming they’re more comfortable because Kenma wants all her clothes two sizes too big. Kuroo who Kenma saw crying because of period cramps when she brought her her favourite snacks, who made Kenma cuddle her when she got tipsy at a party and couldn’t go home, instead choosing to go to Kenma’s for an impromptu sleepover, who smiled when Kenma reminded her that she was smart enough to get anywhere and one bad test won’t change that.

And then Kenma calms down, all nervousness falling away. Even if it wasn’t okay, they would always be.

“ Kuroo, I think I want to kiss you. “ she says, her voice quiet but strict because it’s true. This is not something she has to overthink, something she’s not sure of, because she is, she’s completely sure she wants to kiss Kuroo and preferably right now.

“ You… _What_. “ Kuroo squeaks out and Kenma would laugh but she’s too occupied with watching her every reaction, carefully figuring out what does the look in her eyes, the way she stops fidgeting, means. She’s holding her gaze and she sees fear and nervousness and something dangerous, something that makes her skin break out in goosebumps and she thinks _Me too Kuroo, me too_.

She moves the papers between them aside, making sure to put them away without crumpling them and Kuroo turns to her, her whole body facing Kenma now, seemingly locked and prepared to either fight or flight. She seems unsure, clenching and unclenching her hands on her sides as she keeps looking at Kenma.

Kenma sits in front of her, paying attention to every little twitch and move and she reaches out. She stops before going too far and she thinks _If I do this only one time, I want to make it worth it._

She thinks about all the times she imagined this moment, everything that happened in her fantasies and she very gently lies her hand on Kuroo’s cheek. Her pupils expand a bit and her hands stop their movements. Kenma thinks maybe she did something right when she caresses Kuroo’s cheek and her breath hitches.

“ Kenma...” Kuroo gulps and her voice trembles and it _shouldn’t_ make Kenma feel like it does, “ have you ever…”

She trails off.

“ Kissed anyone? “ Kenma supplies and is surprised how wrecked her voice sounds from just one touch they shared, her hand still rubbing gentle circles on Kuroo’s cheek and pushing her hair away from her face. Kuroo nods.

“ No. “ Kenma hums and trails her fingers across Kuroo’s face. Moves them further and tangles them in her hair, stroking her scalp which makes Kuroo close her eyes and let out a soft groan, which. That’s new.

Kuroo doesn’t seem to realise what she did, the sounds she’s continuously making and just leans into the contact, reminding Kenma of an overgrown cat. Her heart flutters happily. That’s the Kuroo she knows and likes. That’s her best friend.

With one hand still scratching her scalp, she takes her other one and slides it down Kuroo’s neck, stretching the hoodie’s collar and caressing the newly showed collarbone with her thumb. This evokes a shudder that travels through Kuroo’s whole body and her eyes fly open.

“ Kenma. “ she breathes out and it sounds strained, as if she’s barely holding herself together.

_I did this. I touched her and did this. Oh my god._

Kenma heaves out a breath, notices how hot she feels all over, how her heart is beating fast and her lungs seem to stopped working a while ago and her hands are on Kuroo and are _trembling_ and…

“ _Please_. “ Kuroo breathes out and Kenma snaps.

She moves up, leans her body on Kuroo’s and collides their lips together, her hands digging into her flesh and dragging her closer.

Their first kiss is slow but forceful. They disconnect and both of them are shaking slightly. They watch each other as Kuroo’s hands slide to Kenma’s waist to bring her closer, tugging her into her lap. Kenma goes willingly, wanting to feel _more_.

They observe the other, breathing hard, and it feels like the space between them, as miniscule as it is, is full of electricity, and they’re already crashing again.

Kenma doesn’t know what she’s doing, has no idea _how_ is she supposed to do this but she licks Kuroo’s lower lip and Kuroo _keens_ and Kenma tastes the watermelon flavour, feeling high on it as Kuroo drags her palms up Kenma’s t-shirt and _they’re as warm and big as she thought but they feel better, they feel like fire scorching her skin and she’s burning up._

Kuroo nudges Kenma’s lips with her tongue and Kenma has never experienced anything like that before, accepting it eagerly as hers meets it. Their tongues slide together, intertwining, and Kenma feels overheated, overwhelmed but oh so safe with her.

Her body feels sensitive to everything, to Kuroo’s hands sliding on her lower back, one of them scratching her back lightly and she gasps out a sound she didn’t know her body could ever make into the kiss.

They have to separate to take loud, desperate breaths and Kuroo’s lips slide from her lips to her neck, leaving quick pecks all over until she finds the place that makes Kenma’s toes curl up and back arch and she finds her home there, running her tongue over it and scraping her teeth against it and Kenma feels weird but _good weird, amazing weird._

“ Kuroo. “ Kenma breathes out and tugs on her hair, bringing her up because now that she knows how she tastes, she never wants to stop tasting her again and Kuroo submits to it so _easily, so willingly._

“ Kenma, Kenma wait. “ Kuroo gasps out a few minutes later, her voice raspy and her lips cherry red and her tongue silken, and Kenma does. She leans back with one last lingering peck and waits for whatever Kuroo wants to say, meanwhile catching her breath and trying to calm her heartbeat.

Kuroo watches her, her face red and hoodie wrinkled and hands _still under Kenma’s t-shirt_ and tongue licking over her lips as if to chase the taste Kenma left there and why aren’t they kissing anymore when it was so _good._

“ Kenma I… I like you. And I’m very okay with us doing this but I can’t keep kissing you, and believe me, I want to, without telling you this. Because it feels wrong to not tell you the truth. I like you so _much_ Kenma. I like your games and how you smile when you see a stray cat and how competitive you get and how you’re willing to fight for your friends but not for yourself and how your mind is so big and creative and you’re so _good_ and I just… ” Kuroo rambles until she gets cut off with a kiss from Kenma. She splutters and goes wide-eyed, staring at the girl calmly sitting in her lap, giving her a look that clearly says _you wouldn’t have ended otherwise._

“ I like you too. Idiot. “ Kenma grins at Kuroo’s surprised face and thinks _how did I choose the smartest idiot on this planet to fall for_ but then Kuroo is kissing her and she’s not really thinking at all after that.

-

Later, when they’re cuddling together on the bed, Kenma is resting on the bed post with one hand holding her game and the other hand running through Kuroo’s hair. She’s trying to straighten it and comb it but in the end all she’s doing is thinking about how _she_ is the person who messed it up in the first place and when Kuroo snuggles closer, her hoodie moves and Kenma can see the purple-ish marks on her neck that she _knows_ continue lower and she feels her face flush, half in embarrassment, half in happiness.

“ I like you a lot. “ she whispers and the answering grin she feels pressed into her side makes her warm all over.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! come hang out with me on twitter @starteared or read my other story, a matsuhana songfic!


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